Everyone talks about how the year of 2016 was so great. It was! I always wonder what was in the air that year. I've tried recreating the feeling for the last 4 years since, it's been impossible.
If you're new here or haven't kept up much with past videos or blogs, know that I write and talk about these memories with very raw emotion. This is a blog about my mental health journey. I've wanted to publish this for so long and I recently became ready, how fitting..it's Mental Health Awareness month..
Let's back track to when I was 15. This was 10 years ago, as I'm 25 now. I am the oldest first generation child of two Mexican Immigrants, the only girl out of 4 children. This came with much more responsibility than I could have mentally prepared for. So many things went into play at how I was as a person. My childhood was pretty rough..mentally and emotionally. I realize saying that may seem unfair to certain people that read this. I always had a place to sleep and food to eat. All facts considered maybe I was quite blessed.. then why was it that I still had no motive to live and constant suicidal thoughts? In fact, there was suicide attempts. I was only 15, what could I possibly be going through.
My relationship with my mother wasn't always the best. I remember going to middle school nearly in tears every single day over an argument that was meaningless yet inevitable with her. Out of all things we argued about there is a specific moment that although she's apologized for, I could never forget. I forgot the argument, but I never forgot the feeling. I was crying on the floor and she yelled, "Te odio!" (I hate you) I remember telling her I wished she were dead.
Fast forward a year. I had just turned 16. I started dating someone. If you were to ask any of my high school friends, they were shook when this happened. I had sworn off love at the age of 14, said I didn't believe in it. Naturally when this happened, I got mocked. Pero no pasaba nada oiga. I felt happy. I had fallen in love. I felt that I had found someone who I could confide in. I don't think I have ever trusted anyone more in my life. Slowly but surely they knew most of me. My family drama, my issues, my suicidal thoughts, all of it. He became my high school sweetheart. Of course after high school comes college. He was/is incredibly smart. To this day, anything he's set his mind to do academically and professionally he's been able to achieve. He was headed for success. He always helped me through high school as I wasn't the brightest apple in the classroom. The year came where we had to go to college. I remember one of his family members asking, "What are you going to do? Nothing lasts forever." I just looked down and clenched my jaw as I was mortified and didn't even want to have this interaction to begin with. We didn't end up in the same state, but we decided to continue a long distance relationship.
The year is now 2014 I'm 18. He came back to visit during his first spring break. He opens up his suitcase and there's a pretty big sized box of condoms in there. I asked why they were there as we were obviously not having sex if we were physically apart. He had no good explanation, and my stomach had sunk. A million thoughts were crossing my mind but at the same time I was so happy he was back and that we were back together that I kind of just let it go.
Year is now 2015, I'm 19 years old. The first two years being apart were quite literally a living hell. There was so many times I got the same feeling I got when my mother yelled that she hated me. My suspicions of being cheated on had gone off the charts. I felt ignored, no emotional support, alone and worthless. My mind began playing tricks on me again and I remember feeling crazy. Nonetheless I had no concrete proof and all my accusations were turned down. This is the year I began going to personal therapy. My anxiety and depression had reached levels I hadn't experienced before. I began getting sharp lower back pains due to stress. I live with asthma but literally never use my inhaler. I've been running competitively for as long as I can remember and not once used my inhaler to help me breathe. I was sitting alone in a classroom waiting for my 7am class to begin one day when out of nowhere I could not catch my breath, I sprinted to the bathroom and I was in tears, I felt like I was going to die. I realized in that moment I had experienced my first panic attack, no obvious triggers it just happened. I later learned that my subconscious was working so hard about my relationship and how I felt that, that's how it could've happened.
The summer of '15 I went on family vacation with his family. It was the first time we were able to get a room for ourselves, I was excited but detached at the same time as in my gut this all felt fake. I remember crying that night as we were having sex, and I couldn't hide it. That night I decided to go through his phone to finally live with the truth. There you have me sitting on the toilet at 3am going through texts. It probably took me less than 2 minutes to find what I knew I would. In that moment, even though I know I'm a crybaby..I couldn't bring myself to cry, it all just went numb. Like I KNEW IT! My intuition has always had the best of me.
I sat there not knowing what to do, I wanted to go home, I was stranded in the desert. I finally got out and not correctly processing my emotions threw the phone at him and woke him up. He got up flustered and this was the first and only time I've ever laid my hand on someone. It was instinct to slap him. I looked at him and yelled how could you?? I'll never forget the look in his eyes. Rihanna wasn't lying about someone being sorry, only sorry they got caught. I went next door to his parents room and woke them up trying to find comfort in them as they had basically become my second set of parents. The words his mom said to me were the last thing I wanted to hear. "Todos los hombres son asi" (All men are the same.) I went back into my room and as the cheater was crying, I still somehow found myself comforting him..what the fuck was wrong with me?? I didn't know at the time. August 7th 2015 was definitely one for the books.
Of course after telling my friends about this everyone said to just leave, that I didn't deserve that.. the whole shabang. I don't think I believed that, for some reason I felt like I did deserve it? We ended up taking a break for the first time.
The years to follow became worse.. the cheating never stopped.. alcohol abuse became a problem that I was not ever equipped to take on. At this point you may be wondering why I was still putting up with it. We're talking about the single person that saw me at my darkest place and I felt like I too could save them. I didn't want them to ruin their life after I knew how great they once were. I was continuously chasing a potential. During this time I began failing classes, I wasn't showing up, there were days that I couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to eat or even want to shower. I became miserable. I did something that was incredibly insensitive and wrong of me to do but this is my truth, I was desperate. I decided I would lie to him about having cancer in hopes that he would care enough about my life to quit the obsessive and unhealthy drinking, it helped maybe for three days and then it all went back to the same thing. If this wasn't my clear indicator to walk away I don't know what was.
This toxic pattern continued for the next 5 years on and off. We would still do everything together and make plans for the future. Meanwhile my self esteem dropped to an all time low, I became incredibly scared to talk in public. My memory and speech became that of the highschooler's all over again. I realized that during this time is when I developed seasonal depression. It was a pattern I had because I would spend summers with him and during the fall and winter I'd be incredibly miserable trying to control things I couldn't, yet I could not walk away. I started breaking out due to stress, and everyone around me could see how this was affecting my life.
The alcohol line I finally drew was when my life felt like it was in danger with him and I had to call the cops. He later gaslit me into thinking I was trash for doing that to him, how could I? My trauma from this specific night is something I live through to this day. In stories you guys may see me drinking but I really could not socially enjoy drinking anymore more than 2 drinks. When someone starts to become aggressive or loud I immediately have to let myself out. I cry sometimes thinking that I'm only in my mid 20's and can't fully enjoy myself when I know there is alcohol around, or what this means in my future relationships, not being able to control that aspect of someone else just because I have trauma revolving around it. I've become extremely anti social and feel that my battery runs out twice as fast as others.
So many women reached out to me asking for relationship advice not knowing that I could relate to them more than they knew, and thanks to all those messages I finally found the courage to walk away. After a lot of self reflection I realized I was searching for a love I had a lack of as a child. I allowed for someone to treat me this way because I was unaware of my own self worth. There were a handful of times I came close to harming myself based on someone else's actions and I'm just so grateful to still be here, to see 25 and continue to learn more about myself and love myself unconditionally. It's what I've always deserved and it was just time I realized that on my own.
If you ever put yourself at risk at the cost of someone else's happiness, reconsider. Know you are worth it and you are here with purpose. I wholeheartedly understand how difficult it is and everyone's journey is different so there will never be any judgement on this side, but if there's one thing you take away from this, it's to follow your gut not your heart. You are here with purpose and you are deserving of love. always.
With all my love,
Mama Nurture