In my household mental health was never really discussed and I never really had a glimpse of it until my junior year of high school when I experienced my first major depressive episode. It got so severe I lost about 30 lbs, would sleep most of my days away, hardly ate anything, and spent a lot of time truthfully not wanting to live. My friends and family thought I was physically sick because my appearance changed drastically during that time. The doctors would look at my mom like she was crazy. I didn’t know how to tell her what I was feeling at the time. I got through that first episode without really knowing what had happened to me. I have gone through 3 major depressive episodes since then, all with similar symptoms.
It wasn’t until fall of 2018 when someone in my immediate family got clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder that I truly grasped the severity and the toll mental health can have on someone. Since it was someone in my household, I had experienced first hand some very intense maniac & depressive episodes and I didn’t know what to do or say to make these things easier. I learned more about the bipolar disorder and mental health in general. It was then that I truly realized that what I had felt all these years was something very real and something I had very little control of. I remember being in high school and my parents would tell me that there were other people going through worse things. I felt extremely guilty and confused as to why I couldn’t brush off those feelings.
I am a work in progress. There are days where I feel extremely grateful to be alive, and days where I feel unmotivated and unhappy. I have learned to accept that it is okay not to be okay sometimes and it’s okay reach out for help. My mental health is something I’ve kept very personal and something I once felt ashamed of. I try and cope by allowing myself to truly feel vulnerable by accepting every single emotion I feel for what it is, and reminding myself that ultimately everything will turn out okay. I enjoy running and doing physical activities because it allows me to keep a clear head space. I also try to start my days by physically writing things I’m grateful for and saying a short prayer of gratitude.
- Diane, 24